#Just because you said that dumb shit I will become more insufferable on purpose

[sevicia]

Also someone left these tags on that last post and it's pissing me offff like why the fuck are we comparing horror movies to CHILD PORN ???? What do you MEAN "actual horror movies"?? And every horror movie iceberg I've ever seen HAS a title saying stuff like "Distubing horror movies" "Extreme horror movies" "Banned horror movies" so the thought of someone clicking on that and going "There better not be anything upsetting in here!" is so crazy to me. ARE YOU STUPID???? "Can you actually recommend stuff that's genuinely worth watching" Can you kill yourself???

[mcchipisfried]

DEArtfest Day 14 - Enemies to Lovers

Calling out @octopunkmedia​ for today’s prompt!!

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I’m kidding I did write something but this was my basic reaction to reading the prompt. Also I will be making a drawing AND writing something for two other prompts so look forward to that...

(one might be an actual piece and not just a comic...)

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Gavin sat at his desk, his coffee cup empty because he refused to be in the same room with an android for longer than two seconds. His day started as well as any other day did for Gavin Reed, with him waking up feeling like shit, drinking one cup of coffee at home, then another once he came into work, barely being able to stay awake while also having his new android partner quietly looming over his shoulder, tablet in hand, every so often glancing at him with what only could be described as a very displeased frown.

“Hey fuck face, could you fuck off to the next recycling bin and do your job there instead of leaning over me like some kind of fucking bodyguard?” Gavin said, turning to look at the android behind him, and watched as his frown seemed to deepen, probably in more displeasure towards Gavin’s words.

“Detective Reed, I believe for our partnership to function properly we must become at least comfortable with each other being in the same room. As for my presence, I was simply reviewing my scanners and noticed that your vitals are, simply put, terrible and it is my belief that you should go home before-” 

“Oh so the fucking android is worried about my health now? Pretty ironic considering what you were made for. Why don’t you just fuck off and mind your own fucking business. Go one, wait somewhere else like the good little android you are and wait for someone to give you your next orders.” Gavin said, interrupting the android. Turning back around and facing his computer, ignoring the dirty looks he got from Tina and Chris as the RK900 promptly turned to walk towards the break room.

The RK900 sat at one of the tables in the break room and continued to look through the previous scans he had done of the Detective. They showed he was low on energy, yet had an accelerated heartbeat, most likely due to his over consumption of caffeine. He pushed his scans aside and instead focused on the tablet in front of him as he continued to silently work. If the Detective wouldn't cooperate with him in the future then he saw their partnership only ending with one of them physically hurting the other.

Before long, he looked up as Officer Chen came into the break room, asking if she could sit next to him. He nodded and focused on her presence as it was obvious she had come to talk to him.

“I’m sorry about Gavin. I know he can be pretty harsh but he’s not so bad once you get to know him a little, and even then he’s still kind of an ass-”

“I am sorry to interrupt you Officer Chen, but I am not interested in your apologies on behalf of the Detective.” Nines said. Looking back down at his tablet, he continued.

“He is an insufferable man child who insists on holding my designed purpose over my head as if my deviancy means nothing. I understand his prejudice stems from his own insecurities and interactions with Connor but it is still infuriating to be treated like this.” The RK900′s LED swirled, from yellow to a deep red. He felt the officer reach over to put her hand on his shoulder, smiling at him in understanding. He realized how rude he sounded and nodded at her, his LED returning to its yellow color.

“I won’t be returning his threats in any way but I will not let him continue to berate me as if i was still a slave to my programming. The only positive about this situation is the fact that this partnership will end once Lieutenant Anderson and Connor return. I might not have a purpose, I’m still trying to figure that out for myself, but I do know that I don’t want to hurt anyone ever again. I want to protect androids and humans, including Detective Reed.” He looked at the officer next to him, a silent understanding between them. 

“Well,” Officer Chen stood from the table and started to turn to walk out of the break room. “I just hope Gavin doesn’t try to do anything stupid. He’s all bark, hardly any bite. Just...don’t kill him, alright? He’s an asshole but he’s the only asshole I can stand in this place.” she said to the RK900 before making her way out of the break room.

“I’ll try not too.” The android said going back to look at his tablet before looking up once more to see Detective Reed stopping in his tracks as he saw the RK900 sitting in the break room.

“Fuck this shit.” The detective said, before turning back to return to his desk.

“These are going to be some very long months” the android thought as he looked back down at his tablet, finally alone to work in peace.

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“Nines, I’m gonna need you to fuck off right now before I decide to switch you out for Connor.” Gavin said, obviously joking as he continued to chew on his last slice of pizza. He had managed to eat a whole box of some of the best fucking pizza in all of Detroit because fuck it if he gets fat, not like he’s really interested in getting laid any time soon. In fact he could go the rest of his life without getting laid so long as it kept Nines pestering him like a mother hen, with a concerned look on his face. He liked having Nines pay attention to him. He didn’t know why, but he assumed it was because it had become a lot easier to get under his skin since their partnership began. By not taking care of himself he got to see some very interesting expressions from Nines besides his usual cocky smirk and neutral face.

“Detective, I know you seem to find yourself quite charming in many ways but I highly doubt Connor would want to spend more than two minutes as your partner, no matter how nice he is.” Nines said, clearly amused by Gavin's assumption that he’d ever be able to actually get rid of Nines. He had become quite attached to the Detective over the past few months as partners, even if he still found him to be irritating, especially in the way he handled his personal health, he would never be able to picture himself being partnered up with anyone other than Gavin.

“I can already see that you’re desperately trying to be like the Lieutenant by gaining some weight, although he has lost a lot of his previous weight and is in fact quite healthy. Might even say a bit attractive, in a roguish kind of way if that's something people are into.” Nines smirked as he saw Gavin scowl at this and slam the pizza box that was on the table shut.

“Excuse me? Tin Can I would NEVER let myself go to the point of even looking remotely like Hank? And attractive?? Something must be wrong with your fucking eyes if you think Hank fucking Anderson is attractive in any way, shape, or form because I am ten times more attractive than he is!” Gavin sputtered out, clearly set off by Nines’ comment.

“Tell me Detective, does the possibility of me finding anyone attractive bother you?” Nines asked, clearly enjoying the reactions he was getting out of Gavin now that he had distracted him enough to take the slice of pizza and throw it into the trash.

Gavin hardly took notice, now riled up by Nines’ question.

“Listen here Tin Can, I don’t know what the fuck you’re insinuating but the only reason I even care is because I am obviously more attractive than Hank fucking Anderson so don’t go thinking you can get away with saying dumb shit like that. I refuse to be partnered up with an android with clearly faulty eyesight.”

Gavin and Nines continued to argue, jumping from topic to topic, not noticing the two officers who looked on from the other side of the break room, whispering among themselves and wondering if Detective Reed and Nines were actually friends or not. Their continued eavesdropping into the Detective and Nines’ conversation did nothing to answer their questions.

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Gavin opened his eyes as he felt the sunlight that filtered in from his window beginning to warm his face. He groaned and closed his eyes, feeling the side of his bed for a body but only found cold sheets. That’s when he noticed the smell of coffee and a much lighter smell that mingled beautifully with the smell of coffee. Eggs. His stomach growled and urged him to follow the heavenly smells that were obviously coming from the kitchen.

Once he made his way out of the bedroom he found Nines, at the stove making breakfast. Making him breakfast. His heart squeezed inside his chest at the image before him. He smiled lazily and made his way over, hugging Nines from behind and looking over his shoulder to see exactly what he was making.

“Good morning, Gavin.”

“Morning Tin Can, whatcha making?” Gavin asked, as he began to smell something sweet emanating from the kitchen table.

“I thought since we made that Red Ice bust a couple days ago, that it would be nice to treat ourselves this morning. I made you breakfast that I had hoped I’d be able to bring you to bed and later I was hoping you’d join me in going to the library. They have just started accepting androids for library cards and I’d like to get one for myself.” Nines said, before turning around and kissing Gavin on the cheek.

“Holy shit what did I do to deserve you? And you can totally serve me breakfast in bed, just let me go back so I can lay down. Also I love you, but I refuse to leave my bed today until after 3 PM.” Gavin said, as he sauntered back to the bedroom to wait for his breakfast. In bed.

Nines chuckled and went back to cooking, drastically reducing the amount of sugar in Gavin’s coffee and making sure to bring some fruit for Gavin to eat. They were definitely treating themselves today but he was still going to force Gavin to have a balanced breakfast even if it killed him.

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That’s it! Probably one of my my longer ones but I really enjoyed writing this one.

[urbanguerilla]

I’m intensely disliking She-Ra and the Princesses of Power. Here’s why.

I really don’t like this show! Not because of the animation or the LGBTQ or any of that. I actually think the design is cute and I'm totally into the Moebius (Jean Giraud) homage. And I think it's great that LGBTQ stuff is being mainstreamed and normalized through various mediums. I also never watched the original, so I'm not in any way emotionally invested in the show. My childhood is not ruined. 

No, it's the writing! My God! The characters are one-dimensional. Their motivations are absurdly dumb, the heroes are incompetent and the villains are annoyingly smug.

First of all, take She-Ra. She's supposedly a super being, a First One, but gets her pathetic ass handed to her in just about every single episode. A multi-handicapped squirrel could beat her up with one paw tied behind its back. I've now watched her get kicked around and outwitted by Catra for 3 seasons straight, but she also gets herself pummeled by every other minor side character in the show. In the episode "Roll With It" (SE2:EP4) she gets completely walloped by Scorpia, who owned her butt in 10 seconds using just one claw. In "Huntara" (SE3:EP2) she's taken down by Huntara like it's nothing. I’ve lost count of how many times one of the villains (mostly Catra) effortlessly took The Sword of Protection away from her. Any episode now she'll get thrashed by Kyle. 

This is the heroine? Seriously? What the hell is the point of her magic sword and She-Ra transformation when she can't do shit? She's the absolute most incompetent and useless character on the show. And it's named after her!!! 🙄 

As for Catra, everyone, including the feeble-minded Adora/She-Ra, is constantly outsmarted by this smugly superior and insufferable cat chick, who somehow always knows everything and is always 10 steps ahead of everyone and never let's anything rattle her or surprise her or outfox her. Take one example (of which there are MANY) in SE3:EP3 "Once Upon a Time in the Waste"; In the previous episode we followed Adora, Glimmer and Bow in the Crimson Waste. Here they narrowly escape all the dangers of the environment. Sand snakes, lethal plants, quicksand and the natives. The Crimson Waste is a dangerous place and our heroes almost die there several times. In the next episode Catra waltzes into the Waste, arrogantly laughs at everything they throw at her, spends about 5 minutes there and then becomes queen of the whole place. This is just about the dumbest goddamn writing I have ever seen in my life. And of course, Adora is yet again again again again outwitted and defeated by this Mary Sue-ish antagonist for whom no opponent is too strong to defeat and/or trick in a matter of seconds. 

Or let's talk about Entrapta, who is converted from good to evil in a matter of seconds because she's a moron without any moral compass or critical thinking. Her story arc is pretty much the dumbest thing I have ever seen. It make's zero sense. She joins an evil army because she was "abandoned" during a raid in which she flails around like some ultra-ADHD basket case and then hides in a vent, waiting to be found? COME ON! And of course the all-knowing, all-powerful Catra figures out - in mere moments - exactly what buttons to push on this person who she has never met before, because… well because she's Catra and she can do anything the writers of this nonsense need her to do for the sake of plot convenience. 

Yeah. Plot convenience! There's a lot of internal rule breaking on this show. A lot of inconsistencies. Like that episode (I don't remember which one exactly) where Hordak threatens Shadow Weaver, telling her that he gave her her magical powers and that he can take them away anytime he likes. Then later in the same season, we get Shadow Weaver’s backstory in which she's a powerful sorceress who wants to fight the Horde. So no, Hordak did not give her her magical powers, but I guess the writers conveniently forgot that for the sake of the plot. Yes he gave her access to the Black Garnet, but long before that happened, she was one of the most powerful sorceresses in Etheria. She single-handedly defeated the Council in Mystacor without Hordak’s help. 

Or when Huntara says she knew Adora was a Horde soldier because of her training. Adora is WEARING A HORDE UNIFORM! She's been wearing a Horde uniform since the first episode!!! It's literally been used as a vehicle for conflict, like when she gets attacked and chased out by a mob in Bright Moon in the third episode of the show (on a side-note to that, isn't it odd she hasn't changed her outfit? Are there no tailors or clothing stores on Etheria?) 

Or how the Sword of Protection comes and goes. Like you see Adora walking around without the sword all the time and then suddenly she pulls it out of nowhere. That's a minor nuisance, but still it adds to the general sloppiness of the show. 

All that said, She-Ra and the Princesses of Power does have a few redeeming qualities when it pokes fun at its own characters (except Catra who, along with Hordak and Shadow Weaver, is rarely funny, if ever) and throws around various pop culture references (which sadly happens less and less as the show drags on). There's admittedly some genuinely funny moments and jokes and a lot could be redeemed if it focused more on the fun and less on everything that sucks. 

The show utterly fails whenever She-Ra faces off with Catra & Co. It makes zero sense that Catra can take out Adora in her She-Ra form, using just her goddamn claws! It wouldn't even make sense for her to be able to take out Adora in her Adora form, since Adora was the Horde Force Captain and superior in fighting skills to all the rest. But for dramatic purposes, all that is forgotten. She's weak as Adora and hella weak as She-Ra. And that's why this show fails in general, because the conflict between She-Ra and Catra is the nexus of the whole thing. If that doesn't work, the rest doesn't either. 

People will argue that IT'S A SHOW FOR 10 YEAR OLDS as if that's an excuse. There's a lot of good stuff made for 10 year olds that doesn't come with all the sloppy plot holes and lazy writing of this series.

[hellzyeahthewebwieldingavenger]

Infinity Thoughts

 So I have something of a tradition of reading comics that will in some way tie into upcoming Marvel live action films. To this end with Avengers: Endgame approaching I read through, among other things, the TPBs ‘Avengers vs. Thanos’. ‘Rebirth of Thanos’, ‘Infinity Gauntlet’ and ‘Infinity’ volumes 1-2.

For the most part I rather enjoyed them. My respect for Jim Stalin grew and I’d argue Infinity Gauntlet may well be Marvel’s finest ever crossover event story of all time...Then I got to Infinity.

Hooooooooo-boy.

This was a lame story.

To be crystal clear the trades I read through collected the main issues of the event plus the tie-in issues of Avengers and New Avengers. Since all were written by Jonathan Hickman the tie-ins are actually essential to the reading experience and I was never exactly lost reading the story. There was a brief but well done reference to the Guardians of the Galaxy tie in issues that weren’t collected but that was it.

You know how I said my respect for Stalin grew through reading this stuff? Ell my respect for Hickman sunk...even lower than it already was.

First off reading Infinity seems to have been a waste of time for my personal purposes. Whilst I do not know what Endgame has in store Infinity War took precious little from this story. It just borrowed 4/5 of Thanos’ inner circle of henchmen (Corvus Glaive, Prixima Midnight, Ebony Maw) and also the Outriders, those four limbed footsoldiers Thanos uses to invade Wakanda. Speakin of which the mere idea of Thanos invading Wakanda was also borrowed from this story but it plays out drastically differently.

That’s not really a problem with the story just a personal complaint I had.

On the flipside something I can’t really complain about but will point to as a problem is that to follow the main story of Infinity you HAD to pick up the tie-ins I mentioned. A well written event shouldn’t price gouge you like that. Noticeably Infinity Gauntlet didn’t. Reading all 6 issues was a satisfying experience unto itself, I never felt like I was missing anything.

But saying Stalin is a better cosmic writer than Hickman would be redundant.

Another problem I discovered after the fact with this story was how the first 15 pages of Infinity #1 are literally just reprints of New Avengers #6 and the Free Comic book day Infinity issue. So 15/54 pages were stuff you’d either read before or could read for free.

This isn’t even getting into the writing problems in general. First of all Hickman had this insufferable habit of within issues themselves having like chapter breaks in the for of entirely blank pages with a grey title and symbol at the top. So you know...nice that you are paying for nearly blank pages amidst your £4+ comic books.

Second of all Hickman has this habit of like throwing meaningless lore at you.

In Infinity #1 for example he throws at you the brief backstory of this planet you have never seen before nor will see again as though it means something, complete with flashbacks and exposition about this planet’s great champion who’s already dead courtesy of the guy delivering the narration. And when I say it’s meaningless lore I mean Hickman has the guy say “Whatever happened to your proud champion to won the Water Wars and untied the tribes by defeating the Great Beast of Pol?”

Like...who gives a shit no one knows where or what Pol is or what the Water Wars were. The best part is that this is all adding up to this planet giving Thanos’ henchmen a tribute of several dead people.

Basically it stretched out 11 pages with meaningless lore to communicate Thanos is bad, Thanos has bad henchmen, Thanos’ demands defeated planets pay him tribute in dead people. Seems like you could accomplish that in maybe 4 pages at a push, especially for a villain everyone knows about already.

What makes this all the more confusing is that Thanos isn’t even really the central plot or threat in the story. This is in spite of being on the covers, mentioned in the solicits, the story’s name referencing stories that explicitly involve him and the story frankly existing because of his post-credits scene in Avengers 2012.

The story’s central conceit I guess is that it’s a war on two fronts.

Captain America leads most of the Avengers into space to join the Kree, Shi’ar, Skrulls, Annihilus and other alien races in a war against the army of the Builders. Meanwhile the remaining heroes (including Iron Man and the Illuminati) have to contend with Thanos who has invaded Earth looking for the sole remaining Infinity Gem and the last of his children, the half-Inhuman Thane.*

Essentially in spite of the advertisement Thanos is really just one of two antagonists in this story. And frankly clearly the one Hickman is less interested in compared to the Builders, whom shockingly, just so happen to be his own creations.

What follows is essentially a cosmic war story all about military strategy and game theory and so on, with very smart people doing very smart things.

Now in fairness conceptually this isn’t a bad idea whatsoever.

So what if Thanos is just one of two antagonistic forces. So what if it’s a war story. Those are ideas that can be done great right?

Yep...except...they aren’t.

Let’s talk about Thanos first.

His central motivation to kill his half Inhuman son is contrived and whilst it COULD have worked it just doesn’t.

As the lead in issues to Infinity Gauntlet make clear with Nebula, who claimed to be Thanos’ granddaughter, Thanos finds the idea of reproducing an affront to his nihilistic beliefs.

Thnos of course is in love with Death. As in he sees Death as a woman he’d like to make out with. To this end he committed his life to mass slaughter to win her love.

Thus entirely logically his creator Jim Stalin established that Thanos would not seek to have any offspring because, duh, if your goal is to kill as many people as possible you aren’t going to create MORE life.

So on the most basic of levels, Thanos even having any children seems out of character.

But it could have worked because the story does establish Thanos has killed his other children too. So it is entirely possible to argue that Thanos, whilst no celibate, made a point of killing his off spring to balance the scales, possibly even seeing his kids as mistakes of his youth before he’d entirely committed himself to Death.

Except the story doesn’t say anything like that. Thanos simply states the idea of Thane existing keeps him awake at night. In other words one of the 2 central antagonists has at best vague motivations.

To make matters worse Thanos is defeated via a total dues ex machina. Basically Thane undergoes a mutation as a result of Black Bolt unleashing a Terrigen mist throughout Earth, this causes him to inadvertently and instantly murder everyone within a certain radius by waving his left hand. He can only control this with the help of a containment suit one of Thanos’ inner circle, Ebony Maw provides. Maw acts as a kind of evil mentor/advisor to Thane, think Wormtongue from the Two Towers but more powerful and sinister, but we’ll get to him in a minute.

Anyway Thane is captured by Maw and presented to Thanos and whilst Thanos and his last surviving inner circle (they’re called the Black Order btw) Proxima Midnight are beating the shit out of the Avengers. Maw then says some shit about wanting to see if Thane has evolved and how he’s the only one who can beat Thanos. So Thane waves his right  hand and encases Thanos and Proxima in a great big amber cube.

Oh and this comes out of exactly nowhere!

That’s the resolution to the final issue by the way. THAT is how this 2 volume event friggin ends. Pathetic.

More pathetic even than the already pretty pathetic motives and characterization given over to Ebony Maw and the entirety of the Black Order.

Look, the idea of Thanos having an elite entourage as opposed to just hordes of gneric nameless thralls** is a good one.

The idea of them worshipping him and/or Death is fine.

But beyond their looks we get little characterization from any of them. Glaive and Midnight are offhandily established as married. Black Dwarf is just a big dumb warrior thug. We get a mini-monologue about Supergiant’s childhood and why she follows Thanos in the pages just prior to hear death towards the end of the story. And Ebony Maw...nothing. We have no reason for why he acts against his master or what the fuck his agenda is.

What little we know of the Black Order comes from I kid you not a mini Marvel Handbook segment randomly inserted into the story that gives you like a short paragraph on each member and their abilities.

So you know...literally telling us instead of showing us who these people are and to boot it’s not even actually part of the story.

Then the story has the audacity to say that Thane, Hickman’s new underdeveloped character has and will become even worse than his Dad. His Dad who I will remind you literally caused universal genocide when he snapped his fingers and killed half the universe’s population...and THEN murdered all the cosmic beings. Oh but Thane is worse because he...can trap people in amber...?????

There is also precious little characterization or development lent to Thanos in the entire story, whereas the events its trading off of (Infinity Gauntlet, etc) absolutely did. Here Thanos is the big bad villain and little else. He isn’t even the biggest threat nor does he comprise the majority of the panel time.

That distinction goes to the Builders.

Oh lord...the builders. Who also count among their ranks the Gardners known as the Ex Nihili, the Alephs robot soldiers and exist in the superflow of the multiverse having created the Starbrand and other cosmic tools to shape the evolution of species across the universe.

Did any of that sound bland, boring, meaningless and simply pretentious mastabatory science fiction talk?

Well that’s only because it is.

Marvel has a robust cosmic lore to them. The first generation of that was really installed by Lee and Steve Ditko in Doctor Strange and to a much greater extent Lee and Jack Kirby in Thor, Fantastic Four, Avengers and other titles. That’s where we of course get guys like Galactus.

The second generation I’d argue was Jim Stalin who set up Thanos, Drax the Destroyer Adam Warlock, the Infinity Gems and also Chris Claremont along with his collaborators who birthed the Phoenix Force and the Shi’ar and so on.

The third generation was Dan Abnett, Andy Lanning and Keith Giffen. These guys added a few things to Marvel Cosmic but really their forte was more adopting stuff already in the Marvel universe and expanding it or using it in interesting ways. The best examples of this being their Magnum Opus, Annihilation which made Annihilus a Big Bad for the Marvel Universe, and ESTABLISHING the Guardians of the Galaxy that the movies took inspiration from. Whilst they didn’t necessarily create any of the Guardians they were the guys who essentially made them the space Avengers.

Hickman is essentially the headliner for the fourth generation and by far and away the most creative.

And by creative I mean he is very good at dreaming up ideas. He’s a classic ‘Big Concepts’ science fiction writer.

Where he falls down is in executing said concepts.

Whilst the past generation of Marvel Cosmic creators vacillated between going for something sweepingly epic or else fun and bombastic or something in between, Hickman’s work is devoid of the fun bombast of a Silver dude riding a surfboard in space but is also if anything trying way too hard to be ‘Epic Cosmic’ than anything the older creators did. And they at least were doing it at a different time when standards for comics were different.

Let’s take the Galactus Trilogy and Infinity Gauntlet as an example. In the 1960s presenting us a science fiction comic book antagonist who was an allegory for God was really impressive and him engaging in a debate with the Watcher about the nature of humanity was deep stuff.***

Similarly the Infinity Gauntlet was concerned with the burden of Godhood and acted as something of a bizarre love story between Thanos and death, the ultimate character study of the Mad Titan.

Hickman in Infinity though mostly just throws Big Science Fiction Concepts (tm) at you and expects you to be impressed by their mere existence, as though ‘the Avengers fight a big space war’ is something to be impressed by in 2013 when we’ve had how many stories like that?

Worse his Big Concepts aren’t just expected to be impressive via their mere existence but are also just...rather dull. There is little personality to the boringly named Builders and only slightly more in the pretentiously named Ex Nihili (Hickman loves throwing around very impressive big nonsense words for his science fiction crap, God forbid they be something simple and/or silly but memorable like ‘Galactus’, ‘the Infinity Gauntlet’, ‘Annihilus’, etc). The Gardners/Ex Nihili kind of look interesting but the Builders themselves are just the most boringly designed aliens ever.

When you see the Watchers or the Celestials you BUY that they are the oldest race in the universe, you buy they are cosmic beings on a higher plane than mere mortals. The Builders are just grey vaguely buggish dudes. Their footsoldiers the Alephs are worse. They’re generic Terminator rip off robots.

The art throughout the story looks pretty but it’s design sense is lame at best and it has the eternal problem of so many 2000s/early 2010s comics that the art looks beautiful panel to panel but is also stiff and looks like a series of very pretty portraits that lack life or the illusion of movement. Comic book art shouldn’t be  a series if paintings next to one another conveying the highlights of a scene but an organic flow from one panel to the next creating the illusion of movement. Want to see this done well in a big event story? Check out Mike Zeck on Secret Wars or Perez/Lim on Infinity Gauntlet. Or hell anything Ron Frenz draws.

Okay, they look boring, they sound boring, their concepts aren’t used that effectively BUT...surely the Builders storyline has merit? Surely this cosmic war story is at least a good war story.

Well...yes and no.

The military strategy used in the story is pretty realistic and well thought out, speaking as someone who isn’t familiar with military strategy history or stories rooted in that stuff.

If nothing else the core concept of Thanos attacking Earth whilst the Avengers are off fighting on another front and the X-Men are divided (because of Schism) is basic and interesting use of strategy.

And the space warfare for the most part seemed reminiscent of Star Trek, speaking as someone who’s got novice knowledge at best of that franchise.

Here is the problem though...it’s also painfully dull for anyone who isn’t hyper into that stuff.

Which would be fine...if the story was solely contained within the main Infinity book.

I’ve long defended Secret Wars 1984 on the grounds that as it’s own mini-series it wasn’t obliged to follow thematic conventions or writing conventions of the solo or team titles, it could be it’s own sandbox. So if it wanted to be a light war story/series of fun action set pieces, fine.

So if Infinity wanted to be an Avengers space military strategy comic book for 6 issues okay fine. Except it wasn’t, it roped in Avengers and New Avengers into it too.

And at that point the tie-ins at the very least needed to have something more. You know like...personality.

The single biggest problem with pretty much any Hickman story I’ve read is that far too often the characters talk stiffly and unrealistically, with a coldness to them, a functionality. There is precious little personality or emotion to them. Even when the art is showing us emotion you simply see it as opposed to actually connecting with it.

There are only the briefest of smatterings of truly emotional or personable moments in the entire story and as a consequence they kind of stick out like a sore thumb. Smasher and Cannonball hooking up (out of nowhere in the story like there was no inclination they had the hots for one another earlier) and Sunspot quipping about it is the most human moment in the entire story closely followed by Manifold expressing exhaustion over constantly fighting.

The closest thing to a charismatic character in the entire story is friggin Maximus the Mad!

How do you do that in a story with Captain America, Captain Marvel, Iron Man, Thor, Hulk, Hawkeye, Black Panther, Reed Richards, Namor and friggin Thanos!!!!

All this and the story exists for anything but a genuine creative drive. It exists because

a)      Marvel needed to make bank off of Thanos’ cameo in Avengers 2012

b)      Marvel needed to remind people Thanos exists after his cameo

c)       Marvel needed to workshop some possible concepts for the then inevitable Thanos movie on the horizon

d)      Marvel needed to amp up the Inhumans via their stupid cloud unleashed in this story so they could begin their dastardly master plan to supplant the X-Men with them

 Ugh. I recommend you simply skip this story wholesale.

*The other 5 Infinity Gems were destroyed

 **By the way in Stalin’s stories Thanos’ armies comprised of a diverse group of alien baddies. Here...there are different kinds of aliens but they seem to be a few species who all look the same. Hardly what Stalin and other artists rendered, which gave you an idea of the scope of Thanos’ travels.

If we’re going to be paying more money for comics nowdays could they maybe put in at minimum the same effort as cheaper comics from 40 years ago!

 ***The Watchers and Celestials by the way, Jack Kirby creations, get supplanted by Hickman as the oldest and most powerful race in the universe for the sake of his boringly named ‘Builders’

[leggigoesabroad]

we’re only here on borrowed time

Sitting on a lovely, smooth, high-speed train from Nuremberg, Germany to Paris.  Yesterday was a day from hell which I'll lightly get into but not dwell on, but for now, I'm so happy.  I'd be remiss to not mention why!!  Part of the reason I decided to book the train instead of flying from Prague to Paris was for many uninterrupted hours to listen to this new book my doctor recommended for me, called "Stress Less, Accomplish More" but Emily Fletcher.  It obviously sounds like a typical self-help book, but I have a crush on my doctor and she really sold it for me. ��(BTW she's no older than like, 32, is married with two kids, super pretty, and totally gets me.  She's very female-centric and one time said 'I'll never let you leave here without a prescription for more birth control, we will never let the system be the reason you're struggling with something' after asking if I had enough for the foreseeable future.  Joke's on her, I'm single AF, but it really spoke to me.)  She said it's a book about meditation and although I've tried meditating before, I am a little bit of a natural skeptic as to allllllllll of its listed benefits.  She said this super simple technique helps you sleep better, greatly reduces anxiety/depression, get sick less often, be more effective at work, eliminate jet lag, on and on.  She said she honestly can't say enough about it and it completely changed her life.  I took this as a way to be more like her and immediately bought it.  Also because I wanted her to like me.  Incidentally, she texted me a few days ago inviting me to a new women's group she's developing for people in my demographic who are going through the same things.  Because like of COURSE she did!! She also tells me to call her Casey instead of by "Doctor" and man I should stop now this is getting weird.

Anyway, this book is by an ex-Broadway performer who noticed she was going grey at age 28 (cough cough I am too) and was sick of all the medications she used to treat these symptoms and wanted to get more at the root.  She talks about how simple this meditation method is - 15 minutes twice a day - and how it is literally the best thing she's ever done for herself in her life.  After her course, she asks people how much money it would take to stop meditating.  They all say something between "500 million dollars" and "no amount of money in the world, because what would be the point without everything else meditation gives me?"  I booked the train so I could set aside several hours to listen to the book, especially on this trip, because we all know from the Thailand blog era that being far away in new countries is often what helps me make decisions in life and really self-reflect.  Yes, I hear how extra that sounds, but I'm fine with it.  I'm only on Chapter 5 and I keep intermittently crying!!  We haven't even gotten to the part where she tells me HOW to meditate!  Just her background on why it works and the entire theory behind it.  The author talks about one case in which a guy with advanced Parkinson's started her sessions and after literally the first one, his tremors disappeared during the entire 15 minutes and for 5 minutes after.  She said when they both opened their eyes he asked if she had noticed, and she said she did, and started crying because it was arguably the most profound moment of her career.  I'm crying typing this.  Ugh.  She doesn't claim that meditation will cure chronic illnesses of course, but rather that it's the best thing one can possibly do to supplement medical instruction and for some ailments, it can indeed end up replacing them.  She said after she started the practice, she didn't get sick again (cold, flu, anything) for EIGHT AND A HALF YEARS!!  Because when the body can use sleep at night to fully rest and not just as a band-aid for stress relief, your immune system can work at its intended level and not allow any of these small things to come into play.  You'd think I'd be getting paid for this post, but alas, I'm only 5 chapters in and get ready for me to be even more insufferable than usual when I get home.

Onward.  Last I left off I was in a cafe with Lizzy in Prague.  We stayed for a few hours and actually got a lot of work done!  Turns out my freelance deadlines don't disappear when I go to Europe, hmm.  We then walked to an area called Petrin, which from afar just looks like a tree-covered hill.  It's actually an uphill path in an expansive park that ultimately overlooks the entire city of Prague.  The more we went up, I kept thinking "we must be at the top by now" and then new buildings and castles and paths and orchards would appear.  It felt like a hidden fairyland with twists and turns and new beautiful sights along the way.  I posted a pic on the gram, but at one point we came to a clearing and there was a picture-perfect snapshot of the entire city through the trees.  With the red roofs and striking architecture I again almost felt like crying.  Also saw a bunch of couples making out in the orchards with no shame all, so that was something.  Good on 'em, ay.  We stopped for a glass of wine at the top (duh) and ended up chatting about work/management styles/feelings about jobs/etc.  Something great about Lizzy is that it turns out for everything I'm interested in, she's in grad school for.  I felt like she was the manifestation of all things fascinating to me.  Kinda like when you meet someone really smart who is able to vocalize all the things you feel about things, but better.  Like Hilary, but not my sister.  Like Jay Wong, but not my boss!  We talked about Kitty and her job search and then got into the concept of finding a job by figuring out what you love and what comes naturally to you, and then seeing how you can get paid for it.  She loved hearing about Kitty and SpotX and the proposal she had to do about team-building and customer engagement, and we chatted all about different marketable skills.  I remember crying to Hil many years ago (Hil if you read this, do you remember??) about how I *thought* I was smart but I hated studying/learning/school and my grades reflected that, and how I've squandered all my potential, I'm actually really dumb, etc.  BTW in retrospect I now see a lot of that as my undiagnosed ADHD and I wish I had understood it earlier to get ahead of it, but it's okay.  Hil at the time told me that she may have great grades and a good job, etc., but that she can't walk into a room and command attention or just become friends with everyone, and that skills come in all shapes and sizes and one isn't better than another.  I'M GETTING EMOTIONAL AGAIN.  Remember when my blogs used to be carefree and funny?  Me either.

After that, Lizzy and I walked all through the grounds of the Prague Castle and wound our way down the hill to the Charles Bridge, and stopped for another drink.  Then we got into a whole discussion about relationships and sexuality.  Later, when we were hanging out with her husband, Rob, I found myself saying over and over: "It's like what Lizzy and I were talking about earlier..." and he was like "how did you guys somehow talk about EVERYTHING today?!"  Females, man.  Eventually she went back to her place to shower and I checked into my Airbnb across the street.  Got SO EXHAUSTED and almost fell dead asleep while waiting for her before dinner, but rallied, and so glad I did.  We took the tram up the hill to a nice restaurant for dinner, then went to an Irish pub to watch the Liverpool/Barcelona game.  No one there remembered the epic call from 2010 World Cup that Ned and I quote all the time, but hey, we do and that's what counts. ("AND YOU COULD NOT WRITE... A STORY LIKE THIS.")  We got there at halftime and were ordering drinks at the bar when a guy sitting at the bar was a real dick and says to me and Lizzy, "just so you know, when the game's on again, you've gotta move.  I sat here on purpose for a good view, so make sure you move." Then turned to his partner and we could clearly hear him saying things like, "Fuckin' ridiculous they're standing right there during the game... I'm not going to let that happen... no fuckin' way" Um, a) it's half time. b) it's a bar and we're at the bar ordering drinks. c) WE KNOW. d) fuck off.  He kept talking about us after we moved and she and I briefly thought about starting shit but you know, foreign country and all that.  Luckily he was cheering for Liverpool and they got stomped in the second half to lose the game and we rejoiced. :)

Went to a weird, dark "Books" bar after that and we were almost the only people there.  There were condoms in the bathroom and I took one as a joke to show Rob and Lizzy, but now it's still in my bag and freaks me out every time I reach for my Chapstick.  We went back to their house afterwards and I kid you not, just watched Harry Styles videos.  Turns out they both love him, especially Rob, which is so rich to me.  He was like "this guy is just like coolness personified and he's so talented and he's weirdly attractive in kind of a feminine way but also masculine and he has such a nice voice and swagger...." you'd think I planted Rob to say this to me, but no.  We watched the entirety of his Carpool Karaoke as I told them all of my favorite parts ("I was back middle." "Why am I always Julia Roberts??" "I cry in like, a cool way.")  It's like when someone says to me, "you know, I'd love to know more about the meanings behind Taylor Swift's songs but I never learned, what are all of the albums about?" And I look around expecting that I'm being Punk'd.  Parted ways with them and thanked them for everything and told them I was very grateful for our summer camp relationship.  You know, the kind that is intensely strong, and very brief.  I may never see them again and yet we spent 15 hours straight together on Wednesday and I had one of the best days ever.  See you in another life, brotha.

A series of hiccups led to a very stressful morning on Thursday that I won't fully get into because my poor family already lived through it with me via WhatsApp... but it started with extreme random nausea, (the kind you have a serious internal talk with yourself about: "no.  you are okay.  take deep, slow breaths.  do not throw up here.  you are completely fine, this will pass.  breathe.  you're not sick.  this is just random.  you cannot throw up here.") and then I got on what was supposed to be a train from Prague to Nuremberg with a stop in Schwandorf, but there was a service interruption on the first leg and everyone knew but me.  Probably because everyone speaks Czech and I, ya know, do not.  BTW so far Czech is the least intuitive language I've ever come across.  I could read an entire book in it and wouldn't be able to give you even the slightest context, like you can with French/Spanish/German.  I know, romance languages and all that, but man I really underestimated how important it is to know some of the language when you're traveling through remote towns.  I notice everyone in Plzen has gotten off the train and I think "well that's weird, but maybe they're all local commuters."  A lady comes by and yells at me to get off, I say, "English?" She says, "NO.  Bus." and shoos me off.  In the panic I forget my suitcase from where I stored it - thank the heavens above, it was still there when I realized 15 minutes later and fought my way back on a closed train.  I have such PTSD today and can't fathom what would have happened if the train had left.  Imagine my suitcase just taking off on a train to the Czech countryside by itself.  Zero percent chance I get that back.  Work computer, my treasured leather jacket from Kathy that I swear I'd save in a fire, all of my toiletries and pills and prescriptions...ugh I can't even think about it.

No one spoke English except for a kind man at the info desk who spoke very little, and gave me directions ("directions" is a loose term here, I did a lot of critical thinking and problem solving to vaguely understand what I was supposed to be doing next) to take a bus in an hour that would take me to Stod, where I could then catch my train to Schwandorf and hopefully ultimately Nuremberg.  After a series of mishaps and incredible uncertainty, eventually all of that happened.  I walked into the hotel in Nuremberg and almost kissed the floor.  I had big plans to wake up early and explore, but alas, I'm embarrassed to admit that all I did in Nuremberg was buy some wine/chocolate/gummy bears and stay in all night and sleep late this morning.  Bodies need rest, y'all.  My audiobook author would tell me that my body is in recovery mode after releasing an unnatural amount of adrenaline and cortisol.  NEVERTHELESS SHE PERSISTED!

I'll be staying with rig friend Angie and her family in Paris, and seeing rig Aaron there too.  He messaged me yesterday and said, "so do you want to see museums and such? Or I can show you my favorite brasseries?" I said, "I've been to Paris, I'd just like to day drink honestly."  Luckily he is on board, shawoooooooo.  Oddly there's no WiFi on this train like they said there would be, but it's not that bad because it's so smooth and comfortable and I still have my audiobook.  Will post this blog sometime later when the WiFi shows up.  Cross your fingers that I get the romantic countryside train ride I pined for.  And happy weekend!!!

[g-w-3-d-damn]

A Rage That None Could Carry

Fan Sequel to All That He Wants. Prequel to All That He Has. )(6L1T) The hill witch meets Avenger Loki in the 6L1T universe and makes him unpack his emotional baggage. Words: 5,000. Rated: ?. Post-Infinity War AU,  breeding kink, intersex Loki(s), a harem of childbearing Lokis, female body functions, reproductive issues, angst, Mpreg(Does intersex count as M?), angst, Loki harem, intersex Lokis, whump, fertility struggles, mention of: slight gore, bigotry, Thanos, torture, unethical/sexual medical experiments, monsters, idiot-Thor. Read the warnings for the other stories before diving in.  I didn’t mean to get this dark but it ends on a hopeful note.  Also there’s no sex unless I write a bit after this.

Munin cawed at the five left in the seraglio. Royal Loki looked to Munin in alarm as the corvid brought them news that their barren fellow Loki had taken the bifrost to visit the witches of the hills. The harem gathered around this messenger, asked questions.

According to the raven, there is a witch in the forest which is part of no coven; childless, a keeper of secret women's magic. Her evil magic could rot the land, or sterilize those that even fertility gods had blessed. Her magic could also stop the body from changing through pregnancy, leaving a mother to look young forever. She can make pregnancy painless, make pregnancy happen even against the other gods' curses. All the Lokis know her name, as it is prophesied that she would raise the most monstrous of Loki's offspring. Her titles preceded her; the plague of the deep woods, the barren mother of monsters, the witch of the hills, the hag: Angerboda.

“To that old hillbilly?” Ragnarok Loki scoffed, “She's truly not worth all the trouble, he'll be back all too soon.”

“I suspect you wrong,” Dark Loki said, “Remember the last words he said before he left our chamber?”

“Thor's child, how can it be anything but worth it?” Munin mimicked.

The harem looked at itself critically.

“What do each of you think is best?” Royal Loki asked.

“We should tell Thor,” Young Loki said.

“No,” Infinity Loki said, “No that's the last thing we should do. It's not Thor's decision.”

“Then we wait for him to return,” Dark Loki said.

Ragnarok Loki took a seat with his resting bitch face and thought you simply can't let me have my moment, can you, you just have to ruin it, don't you, you little pest? I swear if you come back here and announce that you are pregnant, I will announce my engagement at your wedding and die at your funeral, just try me.

Royal Loki smirked and patted Ragnarok Loki on the shoulder.

“To be fair, deep down if we didn't like to be choked we wouldn't all be the insufferable little shits we are,” Royal Loki knowingly joked.

-------

Avenger Loki crept over the fallen leaves to the front door of the witch's hillbilly hovel with trepidation.

“Get out'n come in!” the hag hollered from within.

Loki paused.

“Which do you-”

“Come on in,” she said.

The fat witch dressed in plain midgardian clothes. A baggy t-shirt half-covered the blue jean shorts that cut into her fat thighs. Her disheveled mousy hair dragged the ground where she sat. White streaks ran from root to frayed tip. She looked up at Loki with mismatched pupils, one eye more green and one eye more blue.

“If you're a witch, then I suppose you know why I'm here,” Loki asked.

“And if you ain't as dumb as ya look, then you'd a' known that I'm the witch,” she said.

Hugin, at the window of the hovel, spoke to mimic Loki.

“I want to feel his baby inside me, to be full and heavy, to feel it growing in me. I want you to be excited for me, Thor. Proud of me. As you are of them. I want this so badly.”

“Traitor,” Loki muttered at Hunin.

-------

    “Now it's a fact that there ain't no way in hell that you can conceive right now,” Angerboda drawled.

“Well, unless you can fix that so that I may conceive in the future, then I've no need of you,” Loki said.

“Relax, you'll be able to conceive when you're ready. But right now, there's a complicated reason and a simple reason why you can't conceive.”

“Then make it uncomplicated for me, witch.”

“Easier said than done,” she drawled, “but I'll try. The complicated reason you ain't havin' no happy bouncin' Thor babies is because that ain't whatcha want.”

“The lie of a witch,” hissed Loki, “if you see all then you know I want no other thing with all my heart.”

She pointed to her dilated eye.

“I have one eye in each world,” she said, “and I only need one eye on your heart to know... the reason you want babies is because what you truly want, now and forever, is to be Thor's equal.”

His face split in a smile as he scoffed. The turbulence in his dark, sunken eyes contrasted with the sharp pallid angles of his high, graceful cheekbones.

“And how is that a reason that I cannot conceive? Surely you're not implying that the things happening in my body are things I'm doing to myself?” he asked her.

“I'm not implyin' it, I'm sayin' it outright; your desire to be his equal is manifesting itself in your body as we speak and preventing you from even the thought of conception,” she said.

“Well if I'm the one stopping me, then I need you not, Hag,” he said.

“Maybe not, but let's cut to the simple reason that you ain't getting' pregnant,” she said.

“Oh let's do,” he encouraged.

“The simple reason you can't get pregnant is that you're already pregnant,” she said, “and you can't get anymore pregnant than y'already are.”

“Wh-what?” he stammered.

“Yup. You're carrying. You've been carrying for a long, long time. That's why Thanos couldn't get any viable implants in you. That' why you keep bleedin' when you shouldn't,” she said.

Loki wondered at the possibilities. Before he'd fallen to the nine hells, he'd felt strange, defensive of something new growing within. But if he did have Thor's child inside him, even from before the fall into the nine hells, Loki wondered how in the hell the pregnancy could have survived what Thanos put him through?

“Whose child am I pregnant with?” he demanded.

“Not so much the matter of who got you pregnant or how,” Angerboda started, “I think you damn well know the who and the how, since you were there for all that. It's what you're pregnant with that's the major concern.”

“What am I pregnant with?” Loki asked.

“Rage.”

“Pregnant with rage, what kind of witch nonsense-”

“You're a god,” Angerboda said, “maybe you were born a jotunn runt, but you're a god, now. You ascended to godhood. Gods' wills become reality, that is how you define godhood.”

She put her hand on his belly.

“...and your will is to make manifest your rage,” said she.

He slapped her hand away.

“All I want manifest in my future is a life with Thor, with his children inside me and my child's love in his heart,” Loki shouted, “and I foresee no one trying to block the manifestation of that vision that I won't send to hell, first!”

“Well, I'm a witch, and I can see the future better'n you. Now sit your ass down and lemme tell ya how this is gonna go.”

Angerboda sat on her unmade bed. She patted the space beside her.

“Get comfortable,” she said, “this'll take a bit.”

He rolled his eyes.

“What can you possibly tell me that I need to know,” Loki said.

“Your options,” she said.

He sat beside her with his legs spread and his arms folded across his chest.

“What options,” Loki asked.

“We've got two options. Option one, we can try to abort your rage. And that might kill you, you are a god, and for a god to kill their own will is suicide. It might not kill you. But it'll change you,” Angerboda said.

“How can such a little thing as a change of heart kill a god?” he scoffed.

“We'll talk about how if you like option one,” she said, “but first, hear option two.”

“What's option two?

“Option two: We birth this bitch.”

“Is... is it Thor's?” he asked.

“It's yours,” she said, “it's your baby, your rage, and most importantly your decision. Remember that when I tell you that in answer to your question yes, Thor is definitely in there.”

“Then option two it is,” he said.

“Option two is fatal,” she said.

“You mean, I die in childbirth?” he asked.

“I can prevent you from dying in childbirth,” she said, “but ultimately, if you birth this thing, it'll kill Thor.”

Loki's eyes went wide in understanding.

“I'm carrying the monster from the prophecy that kills Thor,” he said.

“Yup,” she said.

“And I've been carrying it this entire time,” Loki stammered.

“Yup,” she answered.

“Everything Thanos did to me, he couldn't find it when he cut me open, he couldn't kill it with all he did?!”

“It's made of rage,” Angerboda corrected, “if anything, whatever Thanos did to you has nourished the monster.”

“Nourished it? He did this on purpose?”

“Naw, Thanos ain't got a goddamn clue, nor the sense God gave a goose when it comes to knowing what you are,” Angerboda reassured.

Loki said, “What he does know about me, though-”

“Ain't shit,” Angerboda interrupted, “he was trying to figure out what made you a god and couldn't even figure out which label to slap on your junk. Man's a moron with no clue about this thing inside you. There’s no way he’d have known that it feeds off your determination, your rage, and your everlovin' will to survive.”

“How long do we have before it's born,” he asked.

“Hey, hey, that's for me to know,” she said, “don't get worked up. You have options, let's consider those first.”

“W-we can abort it,” he asked, “you're certain we can abort it?”

“Might abort the mother with it, but yeah,” she said “it can be done.”

“If that'll save Thor then what are we waiting for,” he said.

“I mean... it involves abandoning your rage, abandoning who you really are. It involves givin' up on gaining the attention or the love of your brother,” she continued, “forgiving his condescension, forgiving him for treating you as subservient to him, bossin’ ya around, and cruelly shoving you into what he feels is your place. It involves forgiving him for abandoning you over and over again and calmin’ yourself the hell down when you have every right to be angry.”

“Just like the other five,” Loki muttered.

Angerboda nodded.

“Just like the other five.”

“I'm not sure-”

“You'd have to forgive both yourself and him for everything either of you ever did to spark this rage within you in the first place,” she interrupted.

He thought about it. He huffed.

“I don't know if I can,” he said, “I don't even remember where it started.”

“It started when you were kids, when you knew that everyone hated the frost giants by the way they talk.”

“Everyone?”

“All feelings that aren't acceptable in your society are associated with the jotunn,” she shrugged.

He sneered.

“Like what,” he challenged.

“Like, people saying 'look how red your eyes are getting, loser,” she started, “or more boldly, 'you're as cold as a jotun's limp cock,' or the expression 'don't go blue on me.'”

“As a way of expressing cowardice,” Loki said, “comparing us to them because they're crybaby monsters, weak losers who deserved all the pain they got for daring to challenge the strength of Asgard.”

“And do you remember hearing any of that from your parents?” Angerboda asked.

“I remember, even Frigga would tell Thor to man up, that crying red eyes were for sore losers, for the defeated. Said if we cried too much we’d get Jotunn eyes. She tried not to, but she still slipped when she was angry. I remember,” Loki admitted.

“You remember her apologizing?” asked Angerboda.

“No, but, I remember her pausing, awkward, almost scared to silence at any mention of the frost giants. I wanted to know what could possibly concern my mother, what could be so powerful as to give her pause. She was so powerful, and I thought whatever gave her anxiety must be equally dangerous. So the jotunn fascinated me,” he said.

Angerboda cackled. Her sharp laughter stuck in Loki's ears.

“It's funny,” she said, “Thor loved and feared snakes. You loved and feared the jotunn. This thing inside you is a culmination of your love and his, your fears and his, his rage and yours.”

“I see nothing funny about this,” Loki said, “and you're supposed to be helping me get rid of this thing you say is inside me.”

“You're right not to find the humor, it's pretty serious,” said Angerboda, “but the humor is all mine. This rage-baby, it's Thor's rage-baby, too. Funny to me that the seed of his own rage will be the death of him.”

“Heh,” Loki chuckled, “now that is an amusing thought.”

“It'd be healthier for both of youns if I could just get rid of it,” she said, “but y'all'd probably just make another one cause yall’re stupid. That's how most unwanted pregnancies start, anyway; with two people, that're fuckin' stupid.”

Loki giggled and toyed with a knife.

“Now I won't take offense for the insult to my idiot brother, but praytell how you found the nerve to insult me?”

“Cause. Even if you forgive him for everything he's done and everything he has yet to do, if you settle for anythin' less than the two of you side by side forever, you ain't never forgivin' yourself,” she said, “and he will always try to walk ahead. It's at the core of his being, that ain't never gonna change.”

Loki put the knife to her throat and she cackled again. Loki felt the cut of Angerboda's weaponized laughter deeper than she felt the edge of his blade.

“Unless you want Thor dead between the jaws of the rage y'all made together, you're gonna have to accept him just as he is, and take him like he comes. You know this, but you won't settle and you won't accept it. You'll try to change him. That's why you're dumb,” Angerboda said.

“The only dumb thing I've done is speak to a hill witch,” Loki said.

“You know he'll stay the same,” said Angerboda, “you ain't gotta be a witch to see that shit.”

Loki retracted the knife. He sniffed in thought. He tried to quell his rage with forgiveness.

“I don't want this,” Loki said.

“If you didn't want it, it wouldn't grow inside you,” replied Angerboda.

“Can't you change the prophecy?” Loki asked.

“I can,” she said, “but without you abandoning your love and hate of him, it won't matter.”

“My hate and my love,” he asked.

“Hate ain't the opposite of love, son,” Angerboda said, “apathy is. You think that monster growing inside you don't grow on love? You think hate don't grow on top of love?”

“Yes, I hate him, I hate how he is, how he can be, but I don't want him to die,” Loki spat.

“I ain't here to sugar coat this shit for you, sweetheart; his death'll be by his own dumbass actions. Just like all gods' deaths. This monster, birthed of your rage, that he put inside you, will kill him, just as he will kill this rage, proving at the ultimate end of Ragnarok that you are, now, and always have been, equals. Deny it all you want, but that's always been what your heart most desired.”

“So then, I bear it,” Loki stated.

“Yeah,” Angerboda said, “you keep it inside you for as long as you like, but someday it'll burst from you.”

“Once it's out of me,” Loki asked, “can I have another?”

“Yes and yes,” Angerboda answered, “after some recovery, if we do it right, y'all can conceive a happy boucin' Thor baby just like the others. But any of y'all can, at any time, get yourselves all hate-knocked up with another monster. Depends on y'all's wills.”

“Alright, noted,” said Loki, “Now how do we get this bitch out of me?”

-------

“This thing'll wind itself out of you like a horsehair worm from a cricket. Pain'll be long, drawn out, and after it leaves you it will still sting. It's not gonna just rip up your body. It's gonna fracture your mind. Every time you think about this birth it's gonna pain you all over again.”

“Maybe forgiveness is indeed the answer,” Loki said.

“Backpedaling gets you nowhere,” Angerboda said, “This thing will drive you. But it is you. It's part of you. You'll be drawn straight to whatever precious thing you want to see destroyed most in all existence. You'll go there, and you'll lay down there, and you will burst.”

“And after that?” Loki asked.

“Welp,” Angerboda said, “if you're lucky, someone's with you, and they take whatever husk is left of you to the healers.”

“You truly think I'll be that helpless?” Loki asked.

“You're a god, you can take it,” she said, “but yeah I truly think there won't be a lot of you left. Least not enough to save your own skin.”

He looked at her.

“You've seen the future,” Loki said, “tell me who is there for the birth.”

“Just us,” Angerboda said, “just you, and me.”

“Why isn't Thor there,” he asked.

She looked away from Loki.

“I don't wanna tell ya,” she said.

“What do I owe you?” he asked.

“For what?” she asked.

“For your services,” he said, “for being there when it happens, what can I give you to get this answer?”

Angerboda shrugged.

“Nothin' you can give me'd change my mind,” said Angerboda, “and besides. Nobody ever owes a witch. Witches just are. Witches are here, forward and backward through all time. Whatever we want, we speak it, and whatever we speak, it happens. There's nothin' in the nine realms you could give me that would make me happy save one thing; your decision.”

“My decision?” Loki asked.

“Do you wanna have the monster or abort your rage? You can conceive again if you can manage to rid yourself of this hate,” Angerboda said.

“I-I can't decide, I don't know what to decide,” he said.

“You feel like you don't have enough information?” Angerboda asked.

“Oh I do, I just don't want any of it,” he said.

He wept. Angerboda studied him.

“Sounds like you already made up your mind and just don't wanna admit what kinda monsters y'all are,” she said.

Loki nodded. Angerboda took in a deep breath.

“Thor's not there because when you return to the seraglio, he is spending time with the one that, just today, found out he conceived. You didn't want to interrupt that happiness, but when you go off on your own, Thor tracks you down, effectively abandoning the part of you that's happy and simultaneously buggin' the shit out of the part of you that wants to be left alone. So you tell him to get fucked, and then you leave.  You go to Norway, the old battleground, the place where you were birthed and found by Odin, the place where your father died. You birth Jormungangdr on the fjord overlooking the ocean, where he slips into the sea and proceeds to wrap himself around all of midgard, hiding his body in the oceans between the continents. In this act, you fulfill Odin's desire for a peace between Asgard and Jotunheim; a true equality between the kings of those two thrones. That fjord's where I find you, collect what's left of you, and bring you back to Asgard.”

Loki curled into a ball with his forehead on his knees. His long fingers wound into his scalp and he sobbed.

“I didn't want a throne! I didn't want a people! I tried to get rid of it, to do what he couldn't, to destroy every jotunn monster, including myself! So we’d never need to fight each other!  I tried!”

“You would have done it. For him. For them,” she said.

“Why, why now, why must I shed tears for this now?” he asked.

“Crying is normal. Tears are a woman's rage,” Angerboda crooned, “and these tears are the water breaking at the birth of your rage. This is your labor; it has already begun.”

Loki wandered away, pulled by the prophecy of his own burning fury. He fell to his knees, and Angerboda ran to him. She tried to lift him; he was supernaturally heavy.

“So much rage,” she grunted.

He remembered Angerboda lifting him. He did not remember how he got to the fjord in Norway.

The birth was a blur, a haze of pain. Loki vaguely remembered images of the ocean torn asunder between his knees as his rage took form from inside him. He remembered bloodsoaked dragonscales pulsing toward the sea. Angerboda's magic kept most of the agony at bay. She worked to anesthetize both the mother and the monster, knowing full well that the monster would need to sleep for years, lest the world be crushed under his tyranny. Loki remembered the fury of the whirlpools and sea-storms the serpent wrought, proud for the resemblance of his brother's power and wrath. Angerboda chanted a sacred lullaby as the serpent's tail slipped into the waves. The sea calmed itself as Jormugandr suckled his tail like an infant would its thumb, and sank its head to the bottom of the Mariana’s trench so many miles away. After a moment of unconsciousness, Loki's eyes opened to the vision of Angerboda hovering above him.

She said, “...Welp. That happened.”

She knelt beside Loki's trembling husk. She lifted him with the same ease as she could have lifted an overstuffed sack of leaves.

“Wow,” she said, “you're so light, now. So gentle. So, that's how heavy your rage has been, this whole time? Your whole life?”

He looked at her but could not answer.

“It's okay, it's okay,” she said, “we're going back, we'll see him soon.”

-------

The healers scrambled to Angerboda's side. Word got around the seraglio that Avenger Loki was back, with Angerboda, and severely injured. The Lokis divided into two factions, one to protect the brood, and one to face off against the hill witch. A standoff with questions and knives occurred in the healing room. Angerboda walked the healers through many of the steps they needed to save what was left of Avenger Loki's gutted lithe frame. She demanded the other Lokis keep their distance on pain of his same fate befalling them. Thor arrived, mjolnir in hand, to confront the witch.

“What has happened, here?” Thor demanded.

“He bore you a son,” Angerboda said coolly, “and that child is mine, now.”

“Dare you claim a son of Thor as thine, hag?” Ragnarok Loki hissed.

“Nope,” she said, “I claim a son of Loki as mine.”

“I demand to hear these words from his lips,” Thor said.

“He doesn't owe you an explanation,” Angerboda sang, “It was his body, his rules. And you can either stand here bein' a tit about it, or you can hold his hand while he recovers, if you do it gently.”

Thor attempted to push past Angerboda. Angerboda didn't look him in the eyes. She hooked her hand around the nape of his neck and drew him down until his ear met her cheek.

“Before you answer to me,” Angerboda threatened, “you might wanna think whether fuming at some little witch from some little scrap of Nowhere, South, is worth your time.  Imma letcha go.  But when I do, you're going to be gentle, physically and emotionally. Cause if you let your rage and confusion get the better of you, I will pull you to ground and kick you right in your fertile little thundercunt to make sure this shit never happens again, are we perfectly clear?”

“You are aware what consequences such actions would bring down upon your head,” Thor said through chuckling breath.

“I'm more aware than you, but what can I expect? You didn't see any of this comin', you can't see the future. But, remember: I'm a witch. I see a future with you a-layin' right there with your ears red and your hands tucked between your legs wondering if you'll ever fuck again... I hear a future filled with the howls of millions that crave your fertile advances, all wailin' at the news that you can't get it up. And yeah, that's a future where my skull's busted in by that half-staffed whack-a-mole stick in yer paw. In that future, my body's burned away at the stake in exchange for one sweet instance of putting you in your fucking place. Cause it's worth it to make damn sure he knows he's worth defending from your brash idiocy. Now. You wanna go be there for your brother the way you'd want him there for you? Or are we gonna scrap?”

She released the nape of his neck, looked him in the eyes.

“Gentle.” she warned.

Thor kept his eyes on her, his hand on his hammer with a white-knuckle grip. He circled past her; she did not shrink from him.

“...I like her,” Young Loki whispered to his kin.

Thor softened as he approached the bedside. He looked down on Avenger Loki, still thin, with pallor he'd not yet seen. The experience of birth had blunted this Loki's sharp edges as if by photo filter. Where his abs once laid, a sunken hollow remained, as deepset, darkened, and foreboding as his wasting eyesockets.

“Oh, Loki... What did the foul witch do to you,” Thor groaned.

“She made it possible for me to bear your seed,” he whispered.

“Don't make him speak,” Angerboda spat.

The healers nodded in agreement with the witch, and Thor sighed. He stared daggers through Angerboda.

“Alright then, there are time for questions later,” Thor growled.

The healers brought a stool for Thor, which he lowered himself onto. He traced the veins of Loki's limp hand with his fingertips. Young Loki asked Angerboda a great many questions. She answered them all within earshot of Thor. He understood then that Avenger Loki had born unto him a monster.

“It was so beautiful,” whispered Avengers Loki, “it had your strength. It had your rage. I now know exactly how much of your loathing I can bear.”

“Loki, where is the child?” Thor whispered.

“It ain't no child, it's a damn monster,” Angerboda interrupted, “and it's on Midgard just like we was discussin'.”

“True, it is on Midgard, banished to her oceans,” Avenger Loki said, “where it should be made to sleep until the end of days, along with any ill will I ever bore you.”

“Oh, you bore it alright,” Angerboda muttered, “and now you need to shush, rest your pretty head, and recover from that nonsense.”

Thor turned his hot attention to the hill witch.

“You... Mother of monsters,” Thor accused, “be silent!”

“Better the mother of monsters than the absent father of of my own destruction,” Angerboda replied.

“Absent?!” Thor spat, “You're keeping this child from me!”

“That's right, absent,” she drawled, “You abandoned Loki to the nine hells. You abandoned him to the chitauri, you abandoned him to your father's prison, you abandoned him on Niflheim, you left him to die on Sakaar under the threat of the Grandmaster's execution of him, you left him among the wreckage floating in space while you ran for Nidavellir, you have let him walk his path alone forever.  So What makes you think you'll be any more present for this rabble of misplaced trailer trash that the lot of you call a brood?”

Young Loki smiled wide, and leaned forward in his stool, delighted at this newfound entertainment. Thor raised his hammer in Angerboda's direction.

“We will scrap, hag!” Thor began, “but it will not be this moment.”

“Won't it?” she asked.

Thor caressed the wrist and thumb of the weakened Loki.

“It won't,” Thor replied.

“Jormungandr is beyond your reach, just like its mother's true feelings,” Angerboda said, “and to top it off, Jormungandr is beyond your control, just like your own rage.”

“This is me, controlling my rage,” Thor said, “but yet, do not test me further.”

She said, “I can't stop you, and I can't stop the serpent.”

“Then why do you persist with me? Why incite my ire, if you so fear my rage?” Thor asked.

“Because there is no one else in all the nine realms willing to keep an eye on it. Not even you. So here I stand, ready to die, to make sure it all stays down in the depths where no one can rouse it.”

Young Loki's head cocked to one side.

“Do you mean the serpent, or Thor's rage,” he asked.

“Yes,” Angerboda answered, “yes to both.”

“I'm sorry, Thor,” Avengers Loki whispered weakly, “but I'm glad I did it. I feel so much better now, about me, about you. I was able to just let it all go.”

“And y'all are gonna let it stay gone,” Angerboda stated.

“Why? The sooner I conquer the beast, the faster this prophecy is ended,” Thor said.

“You can't end it,” Angerboda said, “if you disperse it's spirit, all that rage and hate and resentment you released will coalesce right back inside of it's mother to be born again, and again, until it destroys one of you, and by extension both of you. Let it go and let me look after it.”

“Once again, this is me, controlling my rage,” Thor said, “and once again you test me with your demands.”

“Once again, he bore you a son, and that child is mine now, because y'all’re fuckin' stupid.”

Young Loki wrung his hands in front of his heart, then put his clasped hands to his grinning mouth. Ragnarok Loki gently caressed Avenger Loki's hair and glared at Angerboda.

“As much as I'm loathe to admit it, 'tis true,” Ragnarok Loki said, “we are all of us quite literally out of our depth against this monster, and so long as you're not going to be a giant tit about it, our family will be happier for leaving it, and the past, at the bottom of the midgardian oceans. This one will make a full recovery, and fulfill his dreams of adding more little ones to our brood of misplaced trailer trash.  All will be well.”

Ragnarok Loki knelt down to place a kiss on his ill brother's pale forehead.

“I could not be happier for you, my sweet,” Ragnarok Loki said.

Avenger Loki smirked weakly up at him with pride.

“Thank you, I'm so glad to hear it,” Avenger Loki said.

“Mark my words though, I will still die at your funeral for this, I swear on our graves,” Ragnarok Loki whispered.

The pair smiled at each other, and Angerboda cackled.  Her weaponized laughter rang discordant down the halls.  Far away, in the seraglio, the children cried in fear, while the other Lokis comforted them.  

“Do you foresee him making a full recovery,” Young Loki asked Angerboda.

“I do,” she admitted, “I see years of happiness and many children in all your futures.”

Find this story on Google Docs at:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xGnt3OuyWF-MrTIu7eb2vXKp9bPJZ9CbsnSYSuxQsUM/edit?usp=sharing

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[kittenwritesstuff]

Great minds think alike

Fandom: Marvel Pairing: Tony Stark x (SHIELD agent)reader Genres: arguing, fluff Words: 1.665 Summary: Tony and reader can’t seem to stand each other. After yet another fight, Tony proposes a new start - requested by @edgelordedits

Nothing ever managed to vex you more than a yellow post-it card on a screen of your computer. It usually contain of one-liner, not even a polite request but an order. And if it was from your boss, director Fury, you would brush off the overtone of the message and do as you were told.

But since those notes were from none else but Tony Stark, it made you boil with anger at the arrogant inventor.

You’ve heard about Stark before Nick assigned you to help the mad genius, who haven’t? He was widely known and often appeared in TV  but something about him just stopped you from liking Tony. you couldn’t and still can’t put a finger on it yet that doesn’t change your approach towards the man. Also, his behavior towards you doesn’t help the case.

Tony is… well, he’s a playboy. His eyes usually follows everything that has boobs and nicely curved hips and, much to your frustration, your fellow female agents giggled and swooned over the fact that Tony Stark himself looked at them for more than a few seconds.

You’re pretty sure he’s forgotten them shortly after and it took him shorter than the time he’s spent on ogling them.

Maybe that was what made you dislike him so much. With your work schedule and the very nature of your job it is hard as hell to find someone for more than one night. The thing is – you’re not really a fan of one night stands. You tried a few times – you had to blow out the steam somehow – but it left you with an oddly heavy feeling of disgust in your stomach. You just need an emotional connection to be able to have sex with someone without having a sort of moral hangover the next day.

Tony Stark is an absolute opposite – he just takes what he wants, no regrets, no remorse.

You reach out and snatch the post-it, grimacing as you read what it says.

Lab, asap. Bring coffee.

XOXO, T.S.

“XOXO? ‘Gossip girl’ fan, or something?” you mutter to yourself as you crumple the note and throw in into a trash can.  Heaving out a sigh, you head to the elevator, pressing the button to the lowest floor. As the machine starts going down, you pinch the bridge of your nose, gathering all of your patience to not yell at Tony for his arrogance.

You purposely didn’t take any coffee with you. He’s capable of making one himself, or he can sent one of his suits to do it for him but for some weird reason he likes when you fulfill his requests.

You actually start to feel as a servant, not an assistant. Yes, you’re here to help but Tony rarely gives you proper tasks, usually doing most of the calculations himself and asking you to organize his notes or to clean whatever mess he’s made. He never misses a chance to gift you with one of his remarks about the way you look, as if wearing comfortable clothes instead of mini-skirts and tight shirts is something bad for working in a lab. Sure, when you work in the field, undercover (which does not happen often, given that you’re from the ‘sciency’ section), you chose different outfits but hey, you’re not going to doll up only to please Tony.

The elevator dings, announcing that you’ve arrived at the lab and the door slide open. Counting to ten in your head, to keep yourself from bursting out, you walk in the room.

“Where’s my coffee?” Tony asks as soon as he notices you, empty handed.

“Make your own coffee, Stark, I know you can,” you reply politely, although you add a bit of venom to your tone. It’s high time for Tony to understand that your role as his assistant should be different.

“Oh, what bit you, Y/N? I’m not asking who, cause in such case you’d be nicer.”

“God, you’re insufferable.”

“Likewise. Now, coffee, dear,” he waves his hand dismissively and you take a deep breath to give him a response but Tony’s faster.

“No, no, no, don’t become snotty right now. Bring me coffee and then go into a sulk. I need caffeine, I’m on the verge of something big!”

“Yeah, something like blowing up a building? Or I don’t know, throwing aliens down from the sky?” you bark and storm out of the lab and into the kitchen, a bit surprised that Tony follows you suit.

“What the hell is your problem, Y/N?”

You turn around on the ball of your feet, pointing an accusatory finger at Tony’s chest.

“My problem is that I have to work with you, Stark. I could be somewhere else right now, trying to come up with something that’s actually useful for more people apart from myself exclusively but no! I have to hop around, listening to your orders, because it’s too much for a great hero Tony Stark to add a damn ‘please’ from time to time. I’m too smart to be your servant, Tony.”

“Ah, here we go! Y/N, SHIELD’s agent, intelligent beyond measure! I asked for the best Fury had and he sent me an average looking woman with big mouth and no ideas whatsoever!”

You growl, narrowing your eyes at him.

“No ideas, huh? And who suggested latest improvements for your superhero suit?”

“I would’ve thought of them sooner or later.”

“I bet later, considering that you’re more about showing off than effectiveness and usefulness. Any new color scheme for upcoming suit?”

“Ouch, that was harsh.”

“You said I’m average. Sorry I’m not a model and there’s not much to look at but I was sent to help not because I’m pretty but because I’m clever. And you, you don’t let me do my job. Any job, in fact. All I do is clean or bring you coffee!”

“I need my coffee to work, Y/N! Is it so hard to understand?!”

“You need to stop being an asshole to me!”

“You started this!” he drawls out through gritted teeth and you gasp, confusion evident on your face. Tony inhales and exhales through his nose, taking a seat in a nearby chair.

“I- what?” you fix your gaze on him, trying to recall what did you say on your first day of working with Tony. Truth be told, you can’t remember what it was but knowing you and considering your instant repulse towards him, it was nothing nice.

“You came here, with your judging face and displeased expression and said ‘Nick sent me here to show you you’re not as clever as you think. And also, to watch over your dumb ass.’ How was I suppose to react, huh?”

“Well, Nick told me to not let you do anything stupid and to say what I think, no censorship.”

“Oh, great, you’re not always that mean? Good to know,” Tony remarks sarcastically and you roll your eyes, willing away an urge to punch him.

“What I’m trying to say is that if you walked in here with less of an attitude, I would treat you as my equal. I’ve read your articles, Y/N and I admit – you’re smart.”

“Oh, wow, I need to write it somewhere, or better yet – I’ll get my phone, you say it again so I can record it, okay?”

“Shit, stop with that, please?”

“So ‘please’ is in your vocabulary after all?” you ask teasingly, watching as Tony frowns. You wink at him, sitting in a chair opposite him.

“Okay, you may be right – I should’ve been nicer, it’s nothing painful. I acted that way because Nick said you’d probably try to bang me on a lab desk if I was my usual self.”

“Many guys try that?” Tony quirks up his eyebrow, smirking and you chuckle, shaking your head.

“No, but given your reputation… he just wanted to avoid any issues. And protect me, I guess. He’s really protective, he just doesn’t show it.”

“Okay, so can we say we’re cool? New start?”

“Yeah, sounds good.”

“And for the record, I said you were average to piss you off. I think you’re pretty and I love your nerdy t-shirts.”

“Thanks,” you raise your eyebrow, taken aback by his statement. It did sound sincere and you feel warm and fuzzy inside which amazes you even more. When did Tony start to have such an effect on you? With all the ‘I hate your guts’ thing aside, Tony seems to be an interesting man. When he’s not bathing in his own ego, that is.  

Tony flashes you a wide smile and pats his thigh.

“Back to work, then! And Y/N…”

You hum in response, waiting for his words. Secretly, you hope for another compliment but you can never know with Tony. You also expect that he’d say it was all a joke and he wants you to quit or something.

Tony leans against the top, his expression turning into dreamy one as if he’s about to tell you something of grave importance but something absolutely sweet at the same time, something like ‘I’ve crush on you since day one’ or ‘we should eat a dinner tonight to celebrate this new beginning’.

“Could you, please, make that coffee for me? I really need it.”

You blink few times, brought back to reality in an instant. For a moment, you feel disappointed and quite raddled as to why those thoughts even appeared in your head.

Not trusting your mouth, you nod in response, standing up and busing yourself with the task. Tony throws a ‘thank you!’ as he walks out and goes back to the lab, thinking about how this new start may bring a way better outcome than constant bickering. Obviously, he won’t admit that he’s thought of you and him on the lab desk, but it can wait.

Firstly, he has to think of a way to ask you out. A dinner seems to be a great way to celebrate, doesn’t it?